A Message from a Romantic Woman to an Unromantic Man

Generally speaking, women love cheesy and romantic. They want to feel that spark or the butterflies for the entire length of a relationship and not just at the beginning. The problem is, the longer that we are in a relationship, the more “comfortable” we tend to get which means less effort is made and that is when the thrill starts to die out.

When it comes to romance, so many people are in the dark about being romantic. Aside from the typical chocolates, roses, and teddy bear, their “romantometer” is dead. I have heard countless women complain that their partners are just not romantic enough. They rant about how things have just seemed to die out and the passion needs to be rekindled but their partner doesn’t have a clue how to do it. Romance is necessary for a woman because it is your way of expressing love to her in the way that she needs to feel special. As a guide for the terminally clueless, here are some ideas on how to really make your woman feel special.

1.       Get her flowers, but not just any kind, get her a special bouquet with a variety of very particular booms. There is a floral language of love and different flowers mean different things. For example, a white rose means purity while red camellias symbolize passion. You have the internet and google the latest basketball scores, so why not look up a chart on flowers and their meanings? Find the flowers that best describes all of the reasons why you love your partner. Then go out and have a bouquet made of these blossoms and write a nice card to your loved one with the names of the flowers, their meanings, and why you chose those flowers for her.

2.       Leave sweet notes for her hidden throughout the house that say things like “You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen” or “I am the luckiest person in the world to have found a woman like you”. Don’t tell her about these note and make sure that some are better hidden than others. This way she finds these notes over a period of days if not weeks. When she mentions it, just kiss her and tell her that you love her and you just wanted her to know. Don’t tell her there are more, just let her figure that out herself. If you are having trouble thinking of places to hide them, try of places like her sock drawer, her purse, her makeup bag, the freezer, in her car, or maybe underneath her pillow. The goal is that she does not find all of these at one time; make it like an Easter egg hunt and put some notes in obvious places while others need to be more securely hidden. In addition to this, you can write “I love you,” on the outside of the eggshells in the fridge with sharpie. Things like this make sensitive women melt.

3.       The next time that you both have an argument, go out and get her something special that she has been wanting for a while. Don’t tell her what you are doing, just go get it. Then write a little note on it or on a card that says, “You are just as beautiful today as the first day that I saw you.” When you get back, give it to her, and walk away. Let her cool off and also see that you genuinely love her no matter how hard times get. Just because you disagree or argue with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t love them.  Remind her and remember yourself.

4.       A good old traditional picnic is a nice way to say, “I love you.” Buy a small bouquet of flowers, dress nicely and have a nice lunch set up at a beautiful park, by a lake, or beside a mountain. Do it accordingly to what landscape she finds the most beautiful. If she likes water set it up beside a pond, lake, or by the beach. If she likes to hike then set up the picnic in view of the mountains or by a mountain (so you can hike with her afterwards). If she likes flowers and parks then go to a park with a lot of flowers in it. Make sure that lunch consists only of her favorite foods- it’s about her, not you. If that is macaroni and cheese, chicken, walnuts, brownies, mashed potatoes, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, then by god do it. The foods don’t have to match because this isn’t about the food. This is a non-verbal way of saying, “I notice the little things and want to make you happy.”

5.       Let’s just say that your partner has always wanted to go to Paris but you don’t have the money to take her there. Download romantic French music off of the internet. If you don’t know how that sounds like, google it. Then get a nice table cloth, two white pillar candles, and put a small statue of the Eiffel tower in the center of the table. Look up on the internet authentic French recipes and try your hardest to cook some.  If you are a terrible cook then have a backup food- her favorite meal from her favorite restaurant. If the food you cooked turns out well, then tell her that there is a lunch for her tomorrow that you picked up for her to enjoy, and she can find it in the fridge. If the food turns out terrible, just admit to being a terrible cook, have a good laugh and tell her not to worry that you picked up her favorite meal, just in case. It’s a win-win.

6.       When your partner first wakes up, look at her deep in her eyes and tell her that you think she looks breathtaking. Gently touch her face or caress her arm while telling her this to make it more of an intimate touch. That wasn’t hard was it?

7.       Although cliché, breakfast in bed is always a pleasant thing to wake up to. Make the extra effort and use fresh squeezed oranges for her juice, while scrambling eggs add a touch of milk to make them extra fluffy, a slice of toast with her favorite jelly, and cut fresh fruit in a mini fruit salad. Add a single flower beside the plate and write on her napkin a cute poem that you got off of the internet, or better still, one that you wrote. Even someone cheesy like, “Roses are red, violets are blue, you’re the best woman ever, so I made some stew” will be sure to bring a smile to her face. Then serve the food on a tray and put on some soothing music. If you have kids, take care of them for her so that the only person that she needs to worry about is herself.

8.       If your partner has been stressed out about work or life in general, when she gets home from work, surprise her with a clean house and a fresh meal on the table. If you know that she has some errands to run, like picking up clothes from the drycleaner, do them yourself and send her a quick text that you took care of things. Trust me, in her eyes you will be her hero.

9.       Buy her favorite lotion and use it to randomly give her massages without expecting anything in return. Even a quick ten minute massage can mean the world to a woman after having a rough day or when not feeling well.

10.   Take your partner on a walk at night under the stars. If you see a shooting star, point it out and name out a wish based on something about her. This could be, “My wish is that you will be happy everyday for the rest of your life.” Or “My wish is that we will live to be a hundred years old together.”

The small romantic things that you do for us, we hold onto and treasure. It helps boost our day. I still remember small romantic things that people in my life have done for me, even years later.  So take notes and start showing her that you can in fact be the romantic man that she longs for. A little appreciation can go a long way.

Forgiveness is a Gift to Yourself

                Revenge is something that glorified in today’s society. I freely admit it, I used to believe in revenge. I would look at the person who wronged me, smile, and say or at least think, “Just wait, you will see what happens when you mess with someone like me.” I felt this sick satisfaction when I thought that I had gotten even with someone, not realizing that I was actually absorbing my own toxicity and not only hurting someone else but lower myself as a person.  I would laugh and say, “Karma is a bitch,” when I would see the outcome, believing that, “an eye for an eye” was the way to go because of what society instilled in my head. I genuinely believed what I was doing was justified because they had initially wronged me.

                Upon reflection, I realized that this is wrong and initiates a self-perpetuating spiral of negativity. It is never okay to hurt someone else, even if they have hurt you. You are not responsible for delivering Karmic justice and, “getting even” is still harming someone else, regardless of what they did to you. By harming someone else, you are also harming yourself because you have allowed another person’s actions to affect you so negatively that you think there is a justification to doing intentional harm. There is no justification, and there is no end to the tit-for-tat of pain and negative energy.

                When someone wrongs me, I feel like there is a pit growing in my stomach and a weight on my shoulders. I now realize that retaliating is not the path to removing these negative feelings.              

                The best way to, “get even” is to forgive. Forgiveness is not taking the easy way out. It is one of the hardest things to do because when we are hurt, the last thing on our mind is to forgive the other person and to realize that the person that hurt you did that because they themselves are in pain. You have to realize that you are not forgiving the other person for them, you are forgiving them for yourself. You are loving yourself because retaliation and retribution are wastes of your time and energy.  They lower your spirit for a momentary animalistic sense of relief and often have unintended long-term consequences.  Forgiveness takes away the dark bitterness in your own heart and replaces it with light. Forgiveness allows you to move on and truly live your life. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean that you forget, but it does mean that you keep moving forward in life. It means that you love yourself enough to not allow the darkness to reside for very long. When you forgive, you telling yourself, “I don’t deserve to live life in the bondage of someone else’s pain.” You are deciding that you want to be happy and free.

               

I'm speaking to you from the depths of my heart

            I am writing you this raw blog today in the middle of what most people would call a “really bad day.” Today reminded me of Murphy’s Law where truly “everything that can go wrong will go wrong”. After having the morning from hell, I finally arrived at the airport and realized that on top of everything else that was happening, I left my wallet (which was a gift from an old friend) in the back of the Uber car. I was fighting to stay positive but failing miserably. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and punch the windows of the airport and in my head I was dramatically curling up in a ball and eating as many cinnamon pretzels that I could possibly fit in my mouth at once. The reason why this was just in my head and not actually happening was because I had no money on me so even though I wanted to eat comfort food, I couldn’t. I sat down on the floor beside the glass doors and did the next best thing. I called a friend of mine and started to unload. I felt like in one day’s time my entire life was starting to fall apart. I just wanted to go home, cry, and hug my dog.

 After about 30 minutes of stressful searching, I finally found the phone number to the Uber driver and called him, telling him that I had left my wallet in the car. I could tell that he got nervous when he responded with the words, “I have another passenger in my car right now who is sitting where you were.” My heart dropped. My wallet not only was name-brand but also had about $60 dollars in it, my driver’s license, and my debit card. The driver asked me to hold on for a moment and I heard a muffled conversation of the driver asking the passenger if he saw any wallet in the car. My heart was pounding. I was terrified that I would be stuck in New York City without any way to get home or even buy a meal.

                The driver came back on the phone and told me that they found my wallet but he had to drop off the passenger first. As he said this a wave of relief came over me. After an hour, the driver drove back and handed me my wallet. Before he left, I opened up my wallet and saw that he hadn’t taken out any of my money and had returned me everything just how I left it. I was impressed with the kindness and honesty that this human who didn’t even know me, demonstrated. He didn’t have to return my wallet. He could have claimed that he couldn’t find it. He could have kept the money and sold the wallet but he chose to drive all the way back to the airport because he was kind.

In return for his kindness I gave him the $60 I had in my wallet and thanked him for doing what he did. It was the least that I could do for him for reminding me that there are still good people in the world. I felt blessed to experience this act of kindness on a day that I don’t ever want to relive.

                I am writing you in the middle of my hard day because I want you to see me at my rawest point. It is one thing to write about having a bad day after it happens and speak about positivity as though that is all I ever feel. I want you to see me at my rawest point because I am in the moment, now, as I write this. The Uber driver’s gesture is a light shining out through my storm of darkness.

 Yes, I am so stressed out that I did buy those cinnamon pretzels along with an overpriced coconut water to somehow lift my spirits. Yes, I am smiling with watering eyes while writing. I keep looking out the window and seeing how pretty the clouds look, distracting myself with their beauty. I am fighting to stay positive and it’s working. Yes I still feel like I have a pit in my stomach but I know that in the end there is a lesson that I will learn from this. I am thankful that I am learning. 

 I realized that yes, several bad things did happen today but that doesn’t make my day bad. Sometimes a bunch of bad things happen in our day but it doesn’t mean there isn’t still good. It is very easy to lose perspective. I am alive and I have so much to be thankful for, including my wallet being returned to me. I am taking a deep breath in and thanking the universe for teaching me whatever lesson it is teaching me today. I am looking at every little thing I have to be thankful for and seeing that there is still beauty around me and I am smiling from ear to ear, even though there are tears in my eyes because life is wonderful, even though at times it can be hard.

Diners and a Naked Elderly Woman

I have this bad habit, no it’s really a compulsion, to eat French toast at a local diner during inconvenient hours whenever I feel stressed or excited or honestly any emotion or hormone that I can blame as an excuse to eat these delicious slices of sweet, sweet heaven. I have even used the excuse, “Oh my god, I am alive today! I should celebrate and eat French toast.” I am not sure why for the past year I have been obsessed with this blissfully divine carb-fest and have often times realized that if society considered it a drug, I would be in and out of rehab right now.

Yesterday I was heading back to my house after a long trip to San Diego with one of my friends, a Vietnamese social worker who is addicted to soup and coffee. I noticed that I was not hungry but there was the slight possibility that at some point in the next week my blood sugar might drop. My conclusion? Eat food now to prevent it from happening at that moment. After all an ounce of prevent is better than a pound of cure, right? I am a firm believer in taking care of my body and what it needs in order to delay my death for as long as possible. Turning to my friend I looked at her and in my typical slightly monotone voice and declared, “I want food.”

Smiling, she looked at me out of the corner of her eye and replied enthusiastically, “French toast?” As if it was even a question. HA! Of course I want French toast you fool! French Toast is my life support and today is my unbirthday! So naturally we head over to my favorite local diner to celebrate this festive occasion that only happens 364 days a year.

                Entering in the portal of my favorite diner, I am once again greeted by the familiar smell of feet and stale air freshener. Breathe deeply my friend, breathe in deep the aroma of Olympia. As we are seated in the booth, I turn to my friend and inform her that I need to go to the bathroom and to please order my food for me. The good thing about knowing someone who is both a clinical social worker and who is considered a friend, is that she makes the easiest victim to be my diner-French-toast-addicted superhero side-kick. I have dragged her to so many diners to eat French toast that she knows exactly what I will be eating at which location so I knew my order would be in good hands.

                Walking to the bathroom was an adventure in of itself. For some reason the late night crowd here is always the strangest and I noticed an obese elderly man with a long white beard who reminded me of Santa in summer clothes gave me a creepy stare down. Now normally people looking at me like I have a horn growing out of my head doesn’t bother me and I tend to ignore it but the facial expression of this off-season Santa reminded me of a menopausal woman that I have seen on an episode of “Snapped.” So of course since he is staring at me, I have to return the favor and stare back in an attempt to show that I am being harmonious with my environment; as the saying goes, “when in Rome, do as the Romans do.”

                Entering into the bathroom was an experience that I will never forget. As soon as I stepped through the doorway into the two-stall bathroom, I am greeted by a plump elderly woman squatting over a toilet with no pants on, clearly displaying her untamed lady bits. Completely unfazed by my presence, she begins to have a conversation with me and warns me not to go into the other stall because someone apparently left a mess. Glancing over to the other stall I am shocked and slightly impressed that whoever used the bathroom last had such bad aim that they peed on the floor in addition to the toilet, yet somehow didn’t get a droplet on the actual seat. I must admit that takes skill and true artistry. I thank her warning and contemplated whether or not I should just walk out of the bathroom, but my bladder demanded to be emptied and the elderly woman was still talking to me while peeing which made things extra awkward, at least for me. My mother always taught me to not interrupt, look people in the eyes and respect my elders, but in no way did she prepare me for this life experience and the last thing that I wanted to do was look at this half-naked woman in the eye while she peed. The only thing I could think of doing was turning around and facing the door as this elderly lady rambled on about toilet paper and other details of this bathroom. Finally, the flush of relief came and as soon as she exited the bathroom stall, I rushed in and shut the door.  

                This is one thing that I love about going to diners late at night. You never know what you will find or who you will meet. It is all an adventure and part of the rich tapestry of life.

Attack of the Killer Roach

Last year I moved from one city near Los Angeles to another near Los Angeles because I have a terrible case of the I-can’t-stay-in-one-spot-because-I-get-bored and decide constantly that a change of scenery is necessary.  I must have gypsy blood somewhere in my family tree. Finding a rental home in southern California that allows a giant English Mastiff with a significant drooling problem and a special-needs cat with vengeance issues is a bit of a challenge. I finally found a little one bedroom house located only five minutes from the beach. The landlord didn’t mind my pets and after a ten minute application submission, I was wire transferring the first and last month’s rent to him.

I was thrilled to finally live without roommates and the first few days in the apartment were quite pleasant until one day I walked into living room and saw the biggest cockroach I have ever seen in my life on my night light. This gangster roach didn’t run away from the light, no, he was on it.  He was all over it, throwing monster cockroach shadows on my walls. Now I understand that I am a firm devotee when it comes to the belief that all live life is equal, except roaches. To me, those nasty bastards are scarier than Lucifer himself and the one that was hanging onto my night light was the Lord of all Roaches- it had wings. It may have even introduced himself as “Gregor Samsa” and waived at me; I’m not sure, it was all a horrifying blur of a memory.  Wide eyed and terrified, I stood there in my living room realizing that I was all alone and the only one that could stop this mutant roach from hell was me.

I know I only stood there for a few moments but the horrifying daydreams of that goliath roach making roach babies who then become a gang of goliath roaches attacking me in military formation swarmed through my head like a horrible nightmare. I could feel their thousands of tiny feet crawling over me as I shivered in disgust.  As I stood there staring at my sworn enemy whose very existence mocked my soul, I decided to play God. This roach had to die.

Getting out my trusty can of Raid, I stretch my arm out as far as physically possible to maintain distance and still be able to press the button. At first I missed but thanks to my immense amount of practice with water guns at the fair, I was able to soak that creature down like a bra-less woman at a wet t-shirt contest. Little did I realize that Raid was merely a power source for this creature; it practically laughed so hard at being splashed by Raid that it stumbled off my nightlight and on to the floor.  As it fell to the ground, it turned and ran towards my bedroom faster than any roach I have ever seen! We’re talking Bonneville Salt Flats land speed record fast!

I had to act instantly. Grabbing onto my broom I raced after this behemoth roach only to find it climbing up my bed sheets like it was scaling an obstacle course rope wall.

“OH HELL NO!” I yelled my battle-cry at the top of my lungs like a gladiator ready for war as I began to slap the roach off of my bed with my broom; which wasn’t well a well-thought through plan on my part because instead of this roach just falling to the ground like normal roaches do, it took flight and attacked me. Okay well maybe it didn’t attack me, but I screamed a blood curling scream of sheer terror and mid-air bitch-slapped this beast with my broom. This action got it to the ground where I repeatedly slapped it with my broom and when that didn’t stop it, I pinned it down with the bristles took off my shoe and started pounding everywhere I thought that there may be hidden roach parts, but to no avail.

“Why wont you die?!” I cried out in frustration. Luckily for me beating the bristles with my shoe slowed it down enough to sweep it out of my front door like a hockey slap shot. Even though it was slower, the roach kept trying to run back into my house and I transformed from wing to goalie and played defense. Luckily a savior in the form of my neighbor (whom I had not had the pleasure of meeting yet) who ran over to me and asked me if I was okay.

“I heard you screaming, did something happen?” He asked in concern.

“It’s not dying.” I reply while pointing to the giant roach right outside my door.

This caused my neighbor to laugh. Apparently when he had heard me scream, he thought I was being brutally attacked and considering how old he was, it took him a moment to be able to move his arthritic body as fast as he could over to my house for the rescue.

“I was ready to get my gun when I heard you.” He mumbled as he leaned over, took a large rock from the gravel pavement and crushed half of the roach’s body under it. In shock and absolute astonishment, despite half of its body crushed to a messy pulp by a rock, the roach still was dragging its body across the cement like a zombie towards my apartment. I wished he had gotten his gun.

“Please get rid of it.” I pleaded while looking down at this mutant creature and crept back into my house with chills running down my spine. Needless to say, even though I haven’t seen a giant cockroach since then, but the image of that roach has been burned into my head.  

 

 

 

 

The worth of a Human

       

           Perhaps the most important phrase ever written by Thomas Jefferson and edited by Ben Franklin was, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.” It is the cornerstone of our American experiment and the bedrock of who we are as a nation. Sadly, I have found that humans tend to view others by a very different societal yardstick. I was having a conversation the other day and explained to someone that my worth is equal to that of both a homeless man and of a billionaire. What I meant by that was that often times humans look at those that are considered by society to be successful and see them as being close to a “God” status. Then they turn around and roll their eyes at a homeless man searching through trash for a bite to eat or asking the person next to him/her for a dollar. They use the accumulation of money as a shorthand means of measuring true worth of another human being, yet the truth is that we are all human. Some of us have more privileges and opportunities because the universe blessed us in our personal or professional lives while others of us have had seemingly been handed a bad deck of cards. Many times it comes down to luck or being in the right place at the right time and seizing an opportunity. Life sometimes takes us in crazy places but our worth as a human will always remain the same; society tries to make the rules but we must actively choose whether or not to believe them and accept that simplistic, if erroneous way of thinking. I personally believe that it doesn’t matter what color skin you have or how rich or how poor you are, your faith or lack thereof, whether you are a man, woman or child, in the end we are all human and all deserve an equal amount of respect. We all have dreams, we all want love, and all of us at one point were born and at some point in the future will die, and you cannot take all your money with you. The best you can do is be remembered as a good person who played an important part during your time with humanity and cared for your brothers and sisters.
         I will never be worth more than a homeless person. I will never be worth less than billionaire. Society has brainwashed us to believe that the homeless are less deserving than the celebrities we create and worship on television when the truth is how much you make shouldn’t matter when it comes to the worth of a human life or the amount of respect we give to our fellow travelers here on earth.  Two of our most intelligent founding fathers knew it over two hundred years ago. 

How to get over someone after you break up

                I remember being in relationships where I would genuinely love and care about the person but I knew that being with them was toxic. Don’t get me wrong, it would always start off well and then we’d end up bickering over something silly. I realized that I would hang on to my original idealized image of who they were and try to find all of the positive things about them while looking past the realities. When faced with the worst parts of their character, I would rationalize them away or try and live with them as best I could or a combination of both. Finally it would end with me staring at myself in the mirror and repeating the break up line until I could finally gather the strength to say it to their faces. I would still have feelings for this person despite the heartache that I would go through when dating them. When the dreaded time finally came, I would say the line, “I can’t do this anymore,” and immediately feel a wave of guilt when I saw how upset they would become. I would hear things like, “Please no, I promise I’ll change,” or “I’ll do anything. I just don’t want to lose you.” It was hard to stand my ground. I hate hurting people, but I would put up a wall and say “No.”

Once I left, I would find myself still thinking about them; just because I couldn’t be with them anymore did not mean I did not care about them. I would wonder how they were doing or see something at a store that would remind me of them. My heart felt heavy and the day would usually end with me curling up in a ball on my bed and staring at the wall with tears in my eyes.

Finally one day, I figured out the formula on how to get over someone the quickest way.

1.      When you want to lay down in bed to cry, DON’T! Go outside and hike or take yourself to a comedy. Do everything that you normally enjoy doing, even if you don’t feel like it.

2.      Block your ex. Block them off of your phone, your email, your social media sites. You need to take time for yourself and to separate yourself from this situation. Talking to your ex will just add more drama to your life and keep the open wound from healing.

3.      Do a cleaning. Remove all images of them off of your phone and out of your house. First get a giant trash bag and fill it up with all of the items that your ex ever gave you. Throw it away. Then take white sage and burn it in your house. It helps eliminate negative energy.

4.      Don’t cyber stalk your ex. I know it’s hard not to want to check your ex’s facebook or Instagram to see what they are doing. Although it feels like that is the thing to do in order to get over them, it’s not. It just reminds you of the pain that you are trying to get over. You cannot win: if your ex looks great and doing fine, you feel bad that they’re doing fine without you while you’re miserable. If your ex looks terrible and distraught, you feel worse for making them miserable too.  Just don’t do it. Focus on something else.

5.      Write down a list of all the qualities that you want in a man/woman. Don’t hold back and write down all of the details. Then read it to yourself every day and know that you just wrote down all of the qualities of your soul mate. Do you like sensitive? Do you like artistic? Do you like serious or funny? Emotionally what do you like in a woman/man? Physically what do you like in a man/woman? Remember that the reason why it didn’t work out, was because the person that you were dating was not your soulmate, which means that your soulmate is coming! 

6.      LOVE YOURSELF! Remember that you are an amazing person who has a lot to offer. Treat yourself the way that you want someone else to treat you and treat others the same way. Do you want to be respected? Then respect yourself and others. Do you want someone who is giving? Then be generous to yourself and to others. The energies that you put out are the energies that you will get back.

7.      Meditate on good things and good things will come. Often times we get trapped in a negative mindset and tend to find ourselves trapped in an endless loop of sorrow. Cut the loop and raise your vibrations. (Negative=low vibrations: Positive=high vibrations)

8.      Learn to enjoy your own company. It’s hard not to jump right back into another relationship once you get out of one. Being in bed alone can be a bit lonely at first. Just remember that staying single doesn’t mean that you can’t find someone to date, it means that you are waiting for the right one to date. When you get in a relationship it means that you will either spend the rest of your life with that person or you won’t. You can never be too picky. Be realistic but don’t settle. 

9.      Spend as much time with friends as possible. That is what friends are for! Lean on them when times are hard and enjoy the time that you have with them.

             A break up is just an end to something that was never meant to be. Take this time for yourself. Love yourself. Being single can be an amazing experience if you allow it to be and you never know, just at the one moment you aren’t looking, perhaps something amazing will turn up.