Groupon… making unforgettable memories

Lately everyone in my personal life has been telling me that I am working myself to death and that I need to take a break. I did what I usually do and completely disregarded their comments until I realized that I began to feel so overwhelmed that I began to cry. It was then, on a late Monday afternoon, when I decided that I needed a break. I needed to show myself love.

            Not wanting to spend an arm and a leg, I went onto Groupon and viewed the spa packages that they had for my area. I found an amazing deal for a basic facial and an hour long massage for only $59 dollars, so before I could talk myself out of spending money on myself, I clicked “buy.” Quickly I called the location and a kind woman with a thick accent answered the phone. Communicating with her was a bit of a challenge but after repeating myself three times, I was able to get an appointment at 4 pm the next day.  

            The next day, I realize that I didn’t actually check where this place was at or look at what the location’s name was. It was then that I realized that this was actually a nail salon and not the typical spa. Although a part of me wondered if it would be a relaxing experience, getting a massage at a nail salon, I reminded myself that the last time I got myself a massage was at the mall in a massage chair so really anything is a step up from that.

            I arrive at the nail salon 20 minutes early and immediately notice that I am the only car in the parking lot and I was in a very questionable part of town. Pausing, I look at the empty parking lot and wonder what I just signed myself up for and if I should be concerned. I could almost imagine a tumble weed skipping across the road as western music played in the background.

            “Well… Here I go,” I said to myself as I walked up to the clear glass doors and stepped inside. Immediately every nail technician’s head turned to look at me when I entered. They seemed almost upset that there was a customer walking through the door which should have been a giant red flag.

            “What you want?” A snappy woman in her 40’s with a thick Vietnamese accent called out angrily from a nail station as if I just trespassed on her property.

            “I have an appointment for a facial and massage.” I replied before turning to the receptionist with a slightly nervous look on my face.

            “WHAT YOU WANT?” She once again yelled out to me, this time with a bit more anger in her voice.

            “Oh yes, you have appointment,” the receptionist interrupted with a cheerful smile, looking down at the paper. At this point I was pretty sure she was the only nice one in here but I was relieved that at least there was one nice person. Suddenly the nail salon erupted in loud Vietnamese as they yelled at each other from across the room, trying to get the receptionist to tell them why I dared to enter their lair. The yelling came to an abrupt stop and ended with nods, shortly after she yelled back.

            “Come with me,” she said and took me to a back room that was eerily lit. She told me to take off all of my clothes but just leave my panties on and lay on the bed. I thanked her and watched her step out and close the door.

            Turning around, I faced the bed and realized that the massage table was covered in hospital paper and on the top of the table was a single white towel that was cheap and course.

            “Oh shit’s getting real now,” I muttered to myself as I undressed and got on the table, covering my back end with the towel.

            Shortly after I covered up, a man walked in the door and said hello in a very sweet voice with a very thick accent. He immediately walked over to the towel, threw it in the air, before placing it back on me with the towel now going from the top of my shoulders down to the middle of my legs. I thought that was odd and felt a little uneasy that he had just momentarily exposed my cheeky panties for God to see, but once again I shrugged it off.

            My first thought as soon as the massage began was, “Why is he massaging me over the towel without lotion?” Five minutes into the massage, I began to wonder if he even had lotion or if this was the ways of the nail salon. Six minutes in, I began to feel like my skin was being torn off of me and I began to wonder if I had just entered the torture room of a sadist.

            I am not sure if maybe I hurt this man in a past life or if he just got in a fight with his girlfriend, but about ten minutes in he began to push so hard on my muscles that his arms began to shake. He wasn’t even going in the right direction while doing this massage and at one point it seemed like he was trying to shove my spine over with both this elbows and his hands. I wanted to raise my finger and say, “I am pretty sure that sucker isn’t going to move over for you.” But since I can sometimes be slightly passive

            “Take it like a champ,” I thought to myself as my eyes bulged out of my head. “It’s just the deepest deep tissue massage in the history of ever.”

 I admit, after he almost dislocated my shoulder, I considered stopping the service but my cheap ass wouldn’t allow it. I kept my damn mouth shut and got all $59 dollars’ worth of that massage and not a second less.  I wasn’t about to waste that money because I couldn’t champ it out, so I took it like a woman, beefed up and shut up.

            Finally, when it was done, I handed him a 50% tip and was lead into the facial room with an expression on my face that resembled a prisoner about to be executed. The facial room was a little more well-lit and had a glass container at the side with a facials creams and then some. In curiosity I walked over and saw two hilarious labels that made me question my life’s decisions. The first box said, “Sweet warm Uterus Herbs.” The second box was equally amusing with a bright white label that said, “Nourishing Warm Ovary Herbs.” It then occurred to me that considering this was the facial room and this clear glass box was full of facial products, that I might end up with Uterus Herbs on my face.

            “Oh sweet God what have I done to myself?”

            Laying down on the facial table, that luckily this time had a bed sheet, I watched a young woman enter the room. The woman was adorable and looked like she was in her early to mid-twenties. She had a pleasant expression on her face and just a warm energy that made you feel comfortable.

“Hello,” she said in a cheery voice.

 “I’m sorry I have a ton of makeup on. I had a meeting that I needed to go to before this and I couldn’t go out in public without my face on,” I said quickly with a smile.

Immediately the woman’s face dropped as she frantically began to glance at the door and glance back at me. By how quickly she flung her head back and forth I was afraid that she might throw out her neck. My eyes began to get wide as she looked at me with an expression that resembled horror. Finally, her silence was broken.

“No English,” she said with an intense struggle.

            I immediately nodded my head and smiled saying enthusiastically, “It’s okay,” while giving her the thumbs up. She looked relieved and gave me a thumbs up signal back, quickly getting behind me and sitting down.

            The facial began as a relaxing experience, until about midway through when she began to poke her fingers deep into face like some strange form of a deep tissue massage gone wrong. I didn’t think much of it and just figured she had a unique way of doing things that I wasn’t aware of. That thought remained like that until she came to the top of my head and began pounding it with a closed fist. This head knocking quickly escalated to her grabbing onto my hair and pulling it as if we were in some sort of a strange cat fight, of which I was clearly losing. After a few moments she let go of my hair and went back to head knocking for another minute or so.

What did I do while this was happening? I played dead. I literally did not move. I did not open my eyes. I barely even breathed. All the while I am wondering if there was a collective decision to take all anger out on the Groupon customer for taking advantage of their discount services.

            So next time I think I might just stick with that good old massage chair in the middle of the mall. I don’t mind getting cat called by random shoppers as I am vibrating on a chair from head to toe. To be honest, anything would be better than what I just went through.