Oh I Just Can't...

So recently the universe has decided to teach me an important lesson on tolerance and patience. I am not too happy with the universe wanting to teach me this and I find myself often raising my middle finger to the sky in protest and imagining God shrugging his shoulders while drinking some tea. The most recent test of my patience began only a few weeks ago—but these few weeks have gone by as fast as a slug race. There is a woman in her mid-20’s who just recently moved into my apartment complex with her boyfriend. Although her boyfriend seems like a nice guy and proof that opposites attract, I am pretty sure that she is the spawn of Satan. I didn’t think this at first when she approached me while I was walking my dog outside. She seemed like a friendly girl with a fiery spirit and definitely was an open book, telling me far more information about her personal life than I cared to hear.

I began to notice that every time I was outside with my dog, she would show up as if she had some sort of an Angelika radar and follow me around, normally complaining about her own life and on the occasion asking for advice. Now although I don’t usually mind people talking to me and at first the conversations were not that bad, things quickly changed and the complaints shifted to her bragging about the terrible things that she has done. Now when I say terrible things, I am not talking about double parking in a handicap spot terrible, I am referring to sadistic horrible things that made my skin curl and teeth grind. When she would tell me about these things, a sick smile would cross her lips and she seemed almost excited to talk about it. I tried to guide her in hopes that maybe she would see that things like that were not okay, but she would just laugh and tell me that it wasn’t that big of a deal. The few times that she would ask for advice on a certain subject, she would come up with excuses as to why my advice just wouldn’t work. I’ll give you an example of one of our conversations that were not so bad, just so you have a general idea of what I am dealing with right now.

  “How come you have been single for so long? How do you do it?” She asked me with a blank expression.

“I had to learn to love myself and I spend time with friends when I need company,” I responded. “I would rather wait for a really good one instead of settling with the first one that looks at me twice.”

 She paused, looking at me with a cocked eyebrow, “Well I don’t have friends because I am mean to all of the ones that I had.”

Immediately I could tell that this was her way of trying to get sympathy, but I had none to give. For some reason I just can’t feel bad for someone who’s version of a fun time is assaulting a homeless person trying to sleep on a bench so that they could smoke weed. “Well have you considered working on yourself and trying to become a nicer person?” I asked while eyeing a nearby pile of sticks and imagining me building a fire so that I could put out an SOS smoke signal.

 Without hesitation she quickly responded, “Oh I am not the problem. It’s their fault that I am mean to them. I can’t help it that I am mean. It’s just who I am.”

You should have seen my facial expression. I am pretty sure at that moment every muscle in my face dropped and for a split second I didn’t know whether to laugh at a joke or to have a WTF moment. Because of this, I froze, with an almost smirk on my face waiting for her to start laughing or give me some indication that this isn’t “for real.” But unfortunately the reality that she was being serious sank in.

Quickly I told her I had to go. I couldn’t take her anymore. Between pmsing and my bull-shit meter being at – 4, I knew that if I stayed around and continued this conversation my brain would likely melt out of my ears before I ran myself off of a cliff.

Honestly, more than anything, I was frustrated. I saw a human being that had created a depressing life for herself but didn’t want to do anything to change it. She always found a way to point her finger at everyone else but refused to realize that the problem actually was within herself. I saw the potential for her to have a good life but because she had become her own barrier, I knew the life she had would remain the same. Despite the terrible things that she had done to many other people, I just wanted the best for her. After consulting a friend about it, I realized that I can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change—and most people don’t. Most people are content complaining about things in their life but when faced with the reality of what they need to do to change, they then point the finger to everyone else and blame them instead.

I learned an important lesson that day. Although I want to make the world a better place by helping others change for the better, the reality is, I can’t change anyone. I can only be a light in the life of others, leading by example, and work on myself to be a better person. I can’t make anyone a better person. That’s up to them.  

The Dark Pit

                I often times find that life can throw us curve balls that we don’t feel that we were prepared to handle. In an instant, the life that we once knew changes and we suddenly feel like we are falling into a dark pit, staring back at what we once had. Sometimes these changes feel like stars, we look up at their beautiful light in awe and wonder until it hits us that the light that we were staring at was nothing but the memory of a star that had died long ago. So then we are left in a dark place, wondering why the Universe is against us and wondering what we did wrong to deserve this darkness. As we finally hit rock bottom, we find that our soul breaks like shattered glass and we crumble within ourselves, rocking back and forth, while playing the horrible memory in our minds like a broken record. We find that our emotional pain radiates inside of us to the point of mental paralysis and though we are silent on the outside our soul screams on the inside.

                In times like this it feels like nothing is going to be okay. It feels like there is no way that light will ever reach a ditch as deep as we are in. It seems like an impossibility to climb our way back out of this dark hole. How can you climb up steep walls without a ladder?

                Finally we gather up the strength to pick up the broken pieces of our soul. We look at it, barely able to make out the jagged edges that once were connected, forming into who we once were.

                “I will not be defeated,” we whisper to ourselves as we feel the soft edges of the pit that we are trapped in. But even though we whisper these words to ourselves, there is a part of us that is still afraid.  A part of us wonders if this darkness is our new home. How can you climb up steep walls without a ladder?

                So slowly we pick up each and every piece of our broken soul and feel the jagged edges cutting into our delicate hands. “I will not be defeated,” we once again say this time with more determination. Gripping onto our shattered soul we thrust the first piece into the side of the hole that we are imprisoned in, creating our first step. Piece by piece we climb, higher and higher out of this ditch, until finally we see the light of the sun shining down on us. And as we step out of our darkness, we look down and see, that we have transformed into an entire different soul; one almost unrecognizable. Unlike our last soul full of innocence, soft, and frail we are now a beautiful creature full of strength, far better than the one that we once were. Yes our innocence shattered, but the darkness had to shatter it in order for us to leave our old shell behind and become the better version that we were supposed to become. And even though it felt like the Universe had abandoned us, we now realize that was not the case at all. Because the Universe knew that we had to shatter in order to transform. 

What to Do When Someone is Being a Jerk-Face

                 A few days ago, I was sitting in the break room reading Stephan Hawking’s book, “The Universe in a nutshell.” I was on my lunch break and I always treat myself to a good read before heading back to work. A few pages into the book, a woman-- known for her lack of tact and rudeness-- sat in front of me and began to watch me much like a hawk watches a mouse. I could tell that the little hamsters in her head were running as quickly as they could as she thought about what she wanted to say to me, her brows furrowing with thought.
               “You smell like a dog,” she said to me with a nasty glare.
               This comment was not unexpected considering that she had treated me like a jerk-face since the first day that she began to work for this company and every time I am working with her, I try to avoid her like the plague.
             As soon as the nasty words came out of her mouth, I briefly looked up from the pages of my book and said, “Well I have a dog, and though I am wearing enough perfume to knock out a small child, I am sure that my 200 pound mastiff may have caused me to smell slightly like him. Considering I keep him very clean, I’m not too concerned.”
            "You're a bitch," she responded with, hoping that by continuing to insult me it would get a rise out of me. But since I knew exactly what she was trying to do, I decided to give her exactly what she didn't want. I continued to read my book peacefully in hopes that she would crawl back to her cave and continue to answer phone calls like she was hired to do.
             Once more she opened her mouth, spewing venom in my direction, to which my response was simply to ignore her. Finally, I couldn't take her negative energy anymore and came to the realization that even though I am on lunch break, she was not going to let me read in peace. So I got up and walked away. Did I want to do that? No. What I wanted to do was throw a chair at her head and start screaming, “I AM THE HULK AND I WILL FUCK YOU UP!” But even though I was fuming on the inside, I remained calm on the outside, refusing to show that she had affected me to the extent that she had.

So today I am writing about toxic people. No matter what we do or how positive we are in our lives, there will come a time when a toxic person comes into our life. When this toxic person enters, whether it be for a few hours, a few weeks, or longer, it is up to us on how we handle this person. So here are my suggestions:

1.     If a toxic person comes in the form of a relationship then you need to stay away from that person as much as possible. A toxic person is so used to lingering in their own “shit” that they pull everyone around them down into their “shit” so they won’t be the only one that stinks.

2.      If a toxic person tries to pick a fight with you or tries to get a rise out of you, take a deep breath in and walk away. If you go off on them, they are getting exactly what they came for. If you walk away they don’t succeed in their adventures of being a poison.

3.       Do not lower yourself to the level of a toxic person and give them a taste of their own medicine. You don’t need to lower yourself. You just need to go eat a chocolate and ignore them.

4.      Remember that you are not Karma just like you are not batman. Stop trying to do Karma’s job. Karma does not appreciate it.

5.       Just because they are being a shit head to you, doesn’t mean you have to be a shit head to them. Then there are just two shit heads in a room and that is not cool.

6.      Remind yourself that the words that come out of their mouth is merely a reflection of how they feel on the inside. They are so toxic to themselves that toxicity is released from their lips, poisoning others around them.

7.       Just because you walk away from them without bringing the smack down, doesn’t mean that you feel better. Remind yourself that their opinion doesn’t define you and then go treat yourself to something that makes you happy, like getting a pedicure so your toes look like mini disco balls of awesome or buying that super flippin’ amazing milk shake that you have been eyeing for the past week.  

8.       Set firm boundaries with the person that is toxic. Flat out say to them, “I don’t appreciate the way that you are speaking to me. Until you can speak to me in a respectful manner, I don’t want to hear it.” Then if they continue just repeat yourself and walk away from them.

Lastly, remember this, you are not responsible for the words or actions of someone else. However, you are responsible for the way that you react to those words or actions. Do not lower yourself to the level of toxicity. Do not become the poison that the other person spews. Rise above it and keep living your beautiful life.