Spiders think we are Assholes

The other day I was taking a walk in a beautiful park. It was a calm and serene environment of large trees that were once lush and green now turning to blaze of bright yellows and reds. I felt like I was in a wonderland, walking on a carpet of colorful leaves with a large lake glistening in the sunlight just a few feet off of the trail.  Everything was going perfectly until my face smacked into spider web and I began insanely thrashing and dancing around like I was being attacked by ghost. There is nothing less fun to me than to run into a spider web and then have the icky thought of, “is the spider on me or is it just watching me and laughing as I desperately check my clothes with wide eyes and a pounding heart?”

Then a moment of clarity spurred a thought in my head: Spiders must think humans are assholes. Think of it, we don’t like bugs in our house and there is nothing more annoying than a bug flying into your food or dive bombing your face. So the spider is like, “hey human! I’m just gonna move in and take care of this little fly problem that you have. I promise I won’t be any trouble. I’ll just hang out here in corner.”

Mrs. Spider then makes silk from a gland in her abdomen and pulls it out of her ass to create this beautiful web in a similar shape to a snow flake, only for the human to go, “OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL?” Then take a broom and bitch smack the spider’s home, destroying something that took 30-60 minutes to make, in only seconds. The spider then looks at the human like “you mother f-“ and then finds out what it is like to become a spider pancake.

I think while I was dancing and prancing by the lakeside, somewhere a spider was saying, “God dammit!  I just got that fixed!”

I wonder if spiders talk smack about humans to other spiders. The go to the local “webbery,” drink a shot of bug juice and talk about what happened to one of their 1,500 brothers and sisters. Perhaps there is a webcast.  I know I would hate to be a spider living in a world where humans have taken over the planet and decide who is worthy to live in their air conditioned boxes and who dies if they dare enter.

I think in general we should have a little more respect for all creatures on our planet. We might be humans and more advanced but a life is a life and all life should be respected. I know from personal experience that it is easier to smash a bug when you are scared shitless of something that is only an inch long, rather than scoop it up and take it outside but keep in mind that their life should matter a little bit more than a turd and just because it is a nasty gross bug, doesn’t mean it deserves to die.